The Complaint Department
by Titania Le Fey
Summary: Snake discovers something humorous during processing at a USPF site.


He was in cuff standing before that desk again. It was like his home away from home. They were at it again with the reading off his crimes. Snake stared at the ceiling trying not to laugh. Why did they need to read them? He had done the crimes after all so this was a waste of time. He knew what he'd done. Making themselves look good was all this was. Time passed and eventually something caught Snake's attention. He looked down at the officer behind the desk and cocked a brow.

"What?"

There was a brief pause before he watched the pudgy finger trail back up the list. "Fornication, illegal procurement of sexual services, unauthorized sexual conduct, lewd behavior, possession of pornography, indecent exposure."

Snake started to laugh which put all the guards on edge.

"This is no laughing matter Plissken."

Snake stifled the laugh and shook his head. "Indecent exposure? Must've missed it myself."

The guard looked confused. "It says right here that you've committed three acts of indecent exposure."

Snake remained silent wondering when the hell the cops had caught him naked. His mind sifted through the memories for anything. He had nothing. Maybe they were making things up again? It wouldn't be the first.

"May 12th. Atlantic City New Jersey at Ambrosia."

The guard look confused. Snake on the other hand knew what they meant now. Stripping. There'd been a cop there when he stripped drunk for the girls. Later on he'd have a laugh over it but for now he shrugged.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Sure it was me?"

He had them going. The officer scratched his head and picked up the phone on the desk. Snake watched quietly wondering what was about to happen.

"We've got a prisoner down here refuting a crime."

There was a long pause where Plissken could barely make out the chattering sound of whoever was on the other end.

"Indecent exposure." The Officer on his end spoke and the voice on the other end spiked. "Uh-huh."

A few more moments passed before the phone was hung up. Slowly eyes turned to Plissken as he shifted impatiently.

"You have to file a complaint as well as a suitable alibi for the time of the event. They'll take you to fill them out before we continue processing Mr. Plissken. Have a fine day."

The pudgy man behind the desk went back to work almost as soon as his voice stopped. Plissken regarded him before a shove got him moving. Down the hall he went and into a room with a tantalizingly large window just above the height of the bushes outside. He sat in the chair while the stack of papers was brought to him. Plissken glanced back over at the window.

"You got a pen?" Snake smiled politely and one of the guards handed over the pen. Snake went to write emphasizing the difficulty of writing while cuffed. He could. He had before but now he wanted loose.

"Don't think I can do this. Would one of you write for me? These cuffs are making it too hard." Innocence was his game but his eye was over toward the window again. No bars. They also didn't have his guns. He'd been caught without them. There was nothing to go back for. Snake watched them deliberate before one stepped forward. To his surprise they took off his cuffs. A beat passed that filled Plissken with immense confusion.

"Thanks." He finally said and turned to make good on the papers.

_Name:_ Snake looked down at the papers wondering if they would ever really let him off. No matter what he wrote his record was permanent. Nothing was erased. Even his pardon hadn't erased a thing. Smiling to himself Snake put the pen to the paper.

_Name: Big Dick Plissken  
Incident Questioned: Three counts: Exposing my God-given weapons.  
Date of Incident: May 12th, 2001  
Location of Incident: Atlantic City Casino Strip area, NJ  
Actual Activity at Time of Incident: Performing on stage for friends in suitable stage attire.  
List Details Pertinent to Investigations:_

Here Snake paused as if thinking as he glanced over at the guards. They were outside the door chatting. Plissken's eye went to the window and he scrutinized it. There wasn't an alarm system to be seen. Snake glanced back at the papers and grinned.

_ List Details Pertinent to Investigations: **I just escaped out the window!**_

Snake set the pen down quietly scooting the chair back. They were still looking the other way. Plissken made a run for it. To the window and he had it open in less than a second. As soon as his feet touched the ground he bolted for any direction that was away from the processing center. His heart was pounding causing the pain in his eye to flare hot. It wasn't the debilitating pain that caused him to slow once he cleared the perimeter fence but laughter. Snake couldn't stop laughing when he thought about those idiots picking up that paper and reading it. Nothing could be funnier except for the fact they actually had complaint forms.

Plissken slowed to a walk as he started looking for transportation. He was still laughing though he stifled most of it as he waved down a cab to get out of town.


End file.
